


Diary of a Human

by Tenebrex



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Dark, Diary/Journal, Gen, Multi, POV First Person, Self-Doubt, Stiles' Diary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-05-01 07:34:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5197592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tenebrex/pseuds/Tenebrex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a little black notebook. It seems rather ordinary at first glance, but already on the first page something is off. In huge black capital letters, it says, "PROPERTY OF STILES STILINSKI - DO NOT READ!" </p><p>The rest of the pages are covered in handwritten coded notes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "Write about a first time"

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little something I have been working on for a while and I thought that, as a celebration for reaching 100 followers on Tumblr, I would post it now. 
> 
> I have been playing around with untraditional ways of writing, of different perspectives and narratives, to challenge myself and widen my perspective as a writer. This is one of the works. A story told solely from the perspective of diary entries, where one character is explored deeply and is the only one telling the story. I will be using my own experiences and sometimes even own thoughts and fears as inspiration, trying to portray what Stiles would write, knowing that no one besides himself will ever read it. 
> 
> That said, I will not be updating this fic regularly. This depends solely on my inspiration and if I don't have it, I will not force myself to update it. That is why each chapter will be named after the thing/prompt that gave me inspiration to write it. 
> 
> The reason I am uploading this instead of just playing around with it by myself, is to get response from the readers, to see and learn from their experiences too. So please, if you have read it and have anything you want to tell me about it, whether it be something I'm doing wrong or if it's something I'm doing right, I encourage you to leave a comment and tell me about your experience. But please, try to keep it civilized.
> 
> I will post the first two chapters now, because they will be rather short to keep the illusion of it being a diary entry.
> 
> As a last thing, I need to remind you that English is not my first language and I don't have a beta-reader. If you see some error or mistake, please tell me so I can fix it. I will try to not make stupid mistakes, but it can't be prevented 100%.
> 
> Thank you for being here, and please enjoy.
> 
> \- Tenebrex

 

> _Inspiration: "Write about a first time."_

* * *

 

_Entry one_

**_Dear Diary…_ **

Ms. Morell is the reason you are here, that you are even a thing. She said that scribbling down my thoughts and feelings might help me “heal” after the, and I quote her now when I say _“unusual trauma”_ I have been through while being possessed by the nogitsune.

I know she means well.. actually, I don’t know, because I can never figure her out. Is she genuine or not? Most of the time she seems so indifferent to everything that happens around her, unless it’s something that directly threatens her safety. But why help us out so much if she didn’t really care? It’s not like she gets paid to do it. She’s not even our pack’s emissary. That’s Deaton.

Perhaps she just seems indifferent because she have lived a life filled with all this crazy chaos around her. Maybe that’s why Deaton is so cool about everything too. Maybe you harden up over time, become numb to it.

God I hope so. The thought of being trapped in this mess for the rest of my life and never finding a way to just… to just make it easier? To find some way to cope without breaking down?

I’m not sure I would be able to do it. Not even for Scott.

 _Shit,_ everything have gotten so messed up. It’s not more than a year ago when Scott and I were still blissfully naïve and clueless to the supernatural. The hardest thing we ever had to do was try to figure out how to make first line in lacrosse. Or rather, how to try and _stay_ on the lacrosse team. Man, I don’t know how many times we had to bribe Couch not to kick us out because we sucked so much. To this day I still don’t know how we managed. Scott clearly had an disadvantage because of his asthma and I was just simply awful at lacrosse.

Sometimes I wish things had just stayed as they were. I wish that Peter Hale had just died in that fire.

No that’s not true. What I really wish is that the fire never happened in the first place. I wish that Kate had never been born, or had been raised differently. That she hadn’t lost her mind as she did. Derek would still have his family and Scott would still be human.

I wouldn’t have to be _“the boy that runs with wolves”_. A stupid human that thinks he can live alongside the supernatural and get out of it alive.

I sometimes let myself think about how things would have been if Scott never got bitten. First of all, Allison would still be alive. She would probably not even know our names, but she would be breathing and smiling and have a future. Lydia would be human, wouldn’t have to be haunted by the screams of the dead. And she would probably still go around pretending I didn’t exist, but that’s okay. I’m sure I would have let go of my ridicules crush sometime. My dad wouldn’t look at the bottle of Jack I know he hides behind the books in the living room and have to consciously say no to himself. He wouldn’t have to deal with cases and deaths that he can’t explain and hearings about why he isn’t doing his job properly. Melissa would still have some sort of energy to handle her work, even though it would probably still be hard. That’s just the life of a nurse I guess.

Scott and me… we would still suck and still be outsiders, but at least we would still have each other. We could go to the same college and do all the things we have talked about since we were ten. Get a dorm room together and just live life as normal young adults. Scott wouldn’t have to check the areas around the college he got accepted into, to make sure it’s not in some Alpha’s territory and he wouldn't have to ask permission to go there.

Derek wouldn’t have had to watch people he cares about die.

I wouldn’t have to live with the memory of how it felt to feed on another person’s pain and suffering, how it felt to kill or remember how the life flickering out in someone’s eyes looked like.

But things are as they are now. I just have to find a solution to the problems, as usual. It’s the only thing I can really do anymore.

I’m just the boy who runs with wolves, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. If you would take a few moments to tell me how your experience was, I would very much appreciate it. 
> 
> Have a nice day/night!


	2. "Write about what scares you more than you are willing to admit."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And that’s what scares me the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There is no indicator of the time that passes between each diary entry. It could be a year or just a few hours. You can decide for yourself how you want to interpret the time difference between each entry. 
> 
> Enjoy.

> _Inspiration: "Write about what scares you more than you are willing to admit."_

* * *

_Entry two_

**_Dear Diary..._ **

Death do not scare me. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that dying would be a relief, as easy as breathing. All though, breathing have become increasingly more difficult for me the past few years. I am _aware_ of my breathing now: each inhale and exhale is conscious, something I feel I _have_ to do in order to stay alive. Consciously I know that my body will take care of the task, even if I forgot to do it myself, like when I am sleeping, or when I'm consumed by something that really interests me (which happens way too many times during the day). But still, I feel like it is a task. It’s hard and bothersome, it drains way too much of my energy each day, which I then just have to replace with energy drinks and crazy amounts of coffee. I’m not even sure I have ADHD. I just think the task of breathing takes so much out of me that I have to have medical help in order to focus on the real world. Hurray for Adderall.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking, what if I just stopped consciously breathing in and out? Would my body really take over a task I feel has become solely mine, or would I just simply suffocate and be gone?

It’s a gruesome way of thought, I know. That’s why I constantly divert my thoughts every time I realize I am having them, but the thing is… I _did_ have them and somewhere deep down in my unconsciousness, they are still mingling about, making a mess. I don’t consciously feel them lying there, brewing up a storm, but in some way, I am still aware of them. It’s a true nightmare. Imagine being blackmailed by your own mind. “If you think about it, you are sick, it is wrong”, but if I hide them away, they still catch me in their web, they still wave me in a cocoon, keeping me safe until I am ready to be devoured alive.

Thoughts have a terrifying power over you and once you start thinking about how they really work, trying to figure out a way to control them, you start getting dizzy. You realize that it’s not just your conscious thoughts that needs to be controlled, it’s your unconscious thoughts too. Those thoughts that lie beneath the others, the other separate voices you hear in your head all the time, the pictures and memories and songs that plays while you are consciously thinking about something. Your mind is constantly working, constantly providing you with information in order to help you survive, to keep the homeostasis.

That’s what really ends up messing you up in the end. Because you soon realize that control is an illusion. There is no way to control your own mind. It is far too powerful for that. Instead you turn to the only easy solution you have: containment. Keep the dark thoughts away. Don’t acknowledge them. That way you can pretend they aren’t real, that they don’t exist.

It never really works out. It didn’t for me either.

It’s a fun scenario, if you think about it. No one can come up with a one hundred percent clear answer to why our minds have such terrifying control over us. Why a simple thought can destroy us in seconds or empower us for a lifetime. There’s no bulletproof solution, no cure. You just have to keep fighting your own demons, your own beast, and hope that it doesn’t break free from your containments.

Because you know what will happen if it does.

And that’s what scares me the most.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. If you have any comment about this chapter, please take a moment to tell me in the comments. I appreciate it very much. 
> 
> Have a great day/night!


	3. "Write about a fight."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was so so very wrong.

>   _Inspiration: "Write about a fight."_

* * *

 

_Entry three_

_Dear Diary…_

Derek told me to stop being so selfish today.

At the time it came out of the blue, but now that I have had time to think about it, I know why he said it, even though he more shouted it than actually _said_ it.

I got hurt a week ago, fighting a Rusalka(1). Yeah, a mermaid spirit creature, in Beacon Hills. How crazy is that? I thought I had my facts wrong when I came across it in my research, but, well turns out I didn’t.

Admitted, I was unbelievably stupid, thinking I could take on such a powerful spirit alone. I guess I just thought that hey, I knew what it was and how to defeat it. I didn’t think that it could trick me, when I knew what I was up against. And, I thought that I could spare the pack from another devastating experience. They always get so depressed after being forced to murder another supernatural creature, just to protect the innocent humans in Beacon Hills. After all, these creatures are all slaves of their instincts, exactly like werewolves. It’s just how they are. Some of them lose the fight over the beast.

I’m the human in the group. It’s not fair that the pack gets stuck with protecting Beacon Hills’ citizens. It’s not fair they have to kill their own in order to make sure that people, who would probably hunt them down and kill them on sight it they knew what they were, weren’t meeting their doom at the hands of supernatural creatures who lost their fight with the beast within.

So I thought I could take the burden off their shoulders just this once. How difficult could a simple Rusalka be when I was prepared and had all the tools I needed to defeat it? I even knew _who_ it used to be!

I was so so very wrong.

How was I supposed to know that the Rusalka could shapeshift into men too? How could I know that the Derek I saw wander into the lake in a daze was a monster trying to lure me into my death?

Well, interpretation failure from my side on that one. The lore I collected and studied never specifically said that it was a _female_ figure they turned into when they shapeshifted to match their preys taste in partners. I just always assumed that it would be Lydia or Malia. That’s why I made sure they didn’t go out that night.

I was stupid. I know that now. So so stupid. But Derek is wrong. I’m not selfish, I didn’t do this to prove a point. I did it to protect the people I love. Is that so bad?

I guess it is for him. And I guess I understand why he got so upset. To Derek I’m pack. I am to all of them, even though I never really felt like it before. I always thought they just accepted me hanging around because of Scott. I should have known better. They would never had fought so hard to save me from the nogitsune if they didn’t care, if I wasn’t pack.

If I had known, I would probably have acted differently. I know how connected they feel to pack members. I remember Cora telling me that losing a pack member felt like losing a limb.

I will not make a mistake like this again. Next time I will think things through properly. At least I can try…

Derek asked me who I saw in that lake. Why I was so blinded by fear that I never stopped to think about the possibility of it being an illusion.

I told him it was Lydia. Things don’t need to become more complicated between us. He already hates me. I wasn’t about to give him another reason to do so.

 

Update: Derek knows I lied. He growled in my face when I refused to tell him the truth. Now I have to find a way to pay dad back for the broken window in my room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1: Rusalka, mermaid (nymph) creature that lures men into their deaths by matching their preys tastes in partners. --> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rusalka 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Comments and Kudos are very much appreciated. 
> 
> Have a fantastic day!


End file.
